Um Bongo

Look at her! She loves it! Get a room FFS.

Um Bongo was the only title I could think of that was fruit and lion based. Actually, I’m not even sure that it mentions lions in the song, but I can’t be bothered to look it up.

Anyway, last night I asked twitter a new question, a quite important question that made them think about self defense, danger and fruit.

You are stuck in the jungle and a lion approaches you, what fruit would you use the combat the lion and how would you do it?

"This is fucking bullshit..."

An important question I think you’ll all agree, one which instigated logic and a knowledge of food. There were a variety of answers which I have put into categories from most used fruit, to single fruits, to ‘comedy’ answers. Enjoy.

Pineapple

• @NickDavies – Pineapple. Death by mau-mau.
• @peregr1n – Pineapple! Thwacked into the balls! BAM.
• @cripesonfriday – Pineapple, whack the fucker in the head with it, then run like fuck.
• @JamieDMJ – Throw a pineapple at its head. (That was answered with an extreme sense of emergency, as the situation would demand).
• @JimTheSG – Pineapple to the eyes.
• @CosmicAntelope – I’d jam a pineapple up his bum.
• @Girlie4 – I would throw a pineapple at it, and take cover as it explodes..
• @Martyn_Havell – Pineapple up the arse.
• @thesaharadesert – Pineapple. Jab the spiky leaves in its eyes then bop it on the noggin with the fruity bit.

Coconut

• @PkmnTrainerJ – Bash it in the face with a coconut. Then drink the lion blood/coconut milk mixture.
• @1nothingspecial - Coconut. Lion’s gonna have trouble biting through a coconut…
• @PencilBloke – Throw a coconut at its head!
• @TheFeeDiddy – Coconut. Hardest one possible.. Chuck it and run!
• @1nothingspecial – Coconuts also make coconut milk, and cats are lactose intolerant.

Banana

• @Gally_Freya – I’m going with bananas, or rather lots of banana PEEL so the bugger is slip sliding all over the place and off a well placed cliff
• @Anonymoosh – I would confront the lion with a banana, ask him if it is a fruit or a berry, then run away while he puzzled over it
• @Al__S – I’d point a banana at the lion like a pistol and shout “bang”, hoping the lion would get confused. Then I’d be eaten
• @CharmlessNurk – I’d put a banana in my pocket to make it worry I fancied it.
• @xnollyx – Dress up some bananas in pyjamas and set them free to scare the lion into submission.

Apple

• @MrAndyEllis – Apples. Bake it a pie. Lions love apple pie.
• @Captain_Parsnip – Apples! Fermented into cider. Get the lion pished. Walk around it.

Grapes

• @hmusther – If a lion is in the jungle it is probably very lost and confused and could be beaten by grapes.
• @distinguishthis – Jam a grape up its nose.

Lemon

• @AmbushPredator – Well, cats are supposed to dislike citrus, so it’s got to be a lemon. Rub it on all over and pray.
• @katediamond – Hand him a sheet of A4 at a jaunty angle, resulting in a paper cut. Slice a lemon near enough it squirts into the cut. He’ll cry.

Tomato

• @jonhickman – A tomato – I’d attack it with that boring conversation from when you were about ten about how it IS actually a fruit actually.
• @jrsanderson – Give it a Tomato. While it’s figuring out if it is a vegetable or a fruit, run away.

Other fruits

• @tree979 – Having mulled it over, I’d have to go with carving ninja stars out of unripe pears. An unripe pear is probably the hardest fruit.
• @CBrenchley – Mango. Because that lion is going to be washing sticky mango juice out of its mane for EVER!
• @sjcoltrane – Blackberries, because no one seems to have said blackberries yet.
• @spacebarf – Cherries. Out of a mickey d’s cherry pie. Super heated to be hotter than the sun.
• @Drinkmeforfree – I would confuse it with a Sharon fruit, and then run away whilst he’s figuring out what it was. No fupping way he’s having my mango.
• @woodo79 – I’d carve a large melon in to the shape of a much tastier looking than me wildebeest, then leg it while he chows down.
• @Bexylot – Orange. Everyone knows cats hate orange peel. Well known method of keeping them out of your garden.
• @LudditeWebDev – Lychees and pomegranates. I’d make the lion a fruit salad. Lions love surprises.
• @SabrinaAlbright – <clocks on head with gourd>

Comedy Answers

• @pussellrarker – Russell Grant should give him long enough to gnaw on for me to make my escape.
• @DavieLegend – I would use Louis Spence to scare it off with some fine interpretive dance.
• @Pelekophoros – I’d throw @evilnoob at it and run (sorry noob).

Throwing fruit at Louie Spence achieves nothing.

 

Tell me something interesting….

So last night I was bored, I wanted some hardcore interaction with the people inside Twitter in a purely friend based scenario. So I asked the question ‘Tell me something interesting about you’ expecting about 4 replies because people would be too busy involved in shenanigans or japes to indulge my neediness.

As it happens, people were more than happy to share their tales of woe, joy, pain, balls and Reg Varney.

@dasilva_uk – I celebrated my 18th birthday by push starting a police car that had broken down outside my house.

@LineyD – I went to school with Ben Fogle.

@sarah_chatters – Aged 1 year. Baby sat by lead singer of ‘the verve’ who was 15 ish and lived down my road.

@angusprune – I slept with a girl and in the morning her jealous ex kicked the door down, held a knife to my throat and chase me out in my pants.

@BobbinsAlive – My friend @BrummyChris looks like Jimmy Somerville.

@atwong – Did a month long sabbatical in Brum in the 90s, dont remember anything except baltis

@moosh – My cousin is one of the female dancers in Prodijig.

@piehands – I once got paid £20 by a stranger in the street to let him take a picture of my bare foot just after I’d walked up Ben Nevis.

@sarah_chatters – I am an extra in a film called “day release” aged 15. I’ve never seen it as it was only shown at a Swedish film festival.

@Dartford – Reg Varney nearly opened our school fete.

@crazycolours – I once got tasered by a policeman. It hurt, but it was kinda cool.

@tree979 – My mother-in-law was hit by a car as a kid. She wasn’t hurt but the driver was Peter Sellers!

@moosh – I’ve been run over three times. First time when I was 4. Dad given clean shirt by hospital as he was covered in my blood! Other two times when I was 6 and 8. Have stitches in my chin, scar on my knee and a very lucky streak!

@SomeCallMeLaz – Jimmy Somerville is my 1st cousin once removed (my mum’s cousin).

@keewa - I wrote an article for http://Cracked.com that topped 1.2 million views. http://www.cracked.com/article_19639_5-ridiculous-origins-movie-sound-effects.html < There it is if you wanna read it!

@1nothingspecial – Apparently you can see my house in a Carry On film

@CBrenchley – I won a Silver Demon at the Games Workshop Golden Demon awards in 1990.

@cawhitworth – A guy I went to school with’s dad lived next door to Mick out of Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich.

@cawhitworth – Also, my dad went to the same school as Su Pollard, except a few years below.

@LucyTweeting – I made & gave Arnold Schwarzenegger his first Christmas card (of December1994) when he visited the children’s hospital I was in. he said “My first Christmas card!” I assume he meant of that year, not ever in his life.

@Bruno_Di_Gradi – I’m a distant cousin – apparently – of The Corrs. Never met them. *shakes head sadly* Never met them.

@tree979 – My husband once cut Michael Caine’s hair when he was on location in South Africa. (Also did Jordan’s hair extensions once).

@JamieDMJ – As a child, I nearly drowned when a small Shih Tzu dog pushed me into a garden pond.

@VelvetVic – I snogged Adam Rickett in 6th form.

@Fat_Jacques – My heart stopped while I was driving my car. I got CPR from a lady who had been taught it on a first aid course the week before.

@CharmlessNurk – I sang on this http://www.chartstats.com/art.php?release=13129. (That’s not me on the cover, that little boy is now this man – http://www.marcusbarchamstevens.co.uk/).

@Fat_Jacques – I have a friend who is scared of mugs.

@1nothingspecial – My Dad was nearly in the new BA advert, but didn’t make the edit. He is in the making of on YouTube.

@mightytonka- I sat next to Chris Ecclestone at a Van Morrison gig. Just after he’d done Doctor Who. Chris that is. Van was never Doctor Who.

@Wigglebury – I was once on Street Crime UK whilst some yobbos drunkenly fought the police at a train station.

@atwong – As boy, went “camping” with a potato and petrol can. Tried to cook said potato with petrol. Was home before supper.

@patc57 – I was on BBC2 for 15 minutes in 2001 cos I would sing to a webcam in the car. I called it “karaoke commute”.

@CUNextTuesday1 – @1nothingspecial I share a birthday with Les Dennis, which explains a lot! It is also Hugh Jackman’s birthday, which explains nothing.

@richoneday7 – I have never had a crap anywhere but my own loo!! Ever.

@katediamond – I’ve snogged two of Kasabian. The main two.

@CUNextTuesday1 – My dad is 28 years older than my mum and was a couple of years older than her parents. They are both dead now, so he wins.

@katoi – I was with Andrew Ridgley’s wife when she found out George Michael had been arrested in an LA lavatory.

@1nothingspecial – I share my birthday with Kurt Cobain (next Monday).

@Gay_Burns – I forgot to put the toilet seat down when I was 11, sat down, fell down loo, caught the boys and ended up with a testicular torsion.

@MrCharlesEvans – Former Bucks Fizz singer Cheryl Baker gave me a cuddly toy when I was born. I still have it.

@1nothingspecial – One of my college lecturers played the trumpet line on “Walking On Sunshine”

@BobbinsAlive – A tooth grew from the roof of my mouth when I was a teenager. Not at all fun having it pulled.

@Soren_Lorenson – A girl once refused to sleep with me because I was wearing a dress.

@Edstripe – My ‘tache is, unbelievably I know, NOT REAL.

@ThatsMyKatie – My brother is James McAvoy! Not thee James McAvoy (unfortunately) but they have the same name and same birthday.

@stuhall – When I was born, I popped out clutching a pair of hammers.

@tree979 – My fan-fiction is big in Finland right now (I’m English).

@ThatsMyKatie – I have roughly 64 cousins, on my mum’s side.

@woodo79 – Teri Hatcher once threatened to sue me for libel. (100% True), Quoted an article which said she enjoyed shagging younger men in a camper van in her driveway.

@flayman – I went to high school with the girl who went on to write the screen play for World Trade Center. I asked her out once. She said no.

@1nothingspecial – I see dead people…

@Treiziemesalope – My mate, back at a girl’s place, lost a guaranteed shag by loudly puking and shitting into her toilet. NOT ME.

@1nothingspecial – I can’t eat cold egg, it makes me heave.

@jingleby – I can make a weird shape with my tongue. Video > www.twitvid.com/WSH4R

@defaced – I poked a crocodile after being told not to poke the crocodile.

@thesaharadesert – I hate people moving stuff around on my desk SO MUCH that I Blu-Tak things down.

@1nothingspecial – I’ve never broken a bone in my body, except my skull.

@KirstyBurge – I hate all sea food, but love prawn cocktail crisps. Surprised the world hasn’t explodicated.

@SomeCallMeLaz – I’m wearing cow print pyjamas.

@msgibbster – My dad is called Donald MacDonald…

@bighomeless – I had to be Gary Lineker’s waterskiing body double, he wore his wetsuit inside out so I had to as well.

@moosh – I’ve had a wee next to Andrew Lloyd Webber. He’s hung.

@BobbinsAlive – A man with the same name as my dad follows me on twitter. He is not my dad. I do not know him (the follower, not my dad).

@AK_Bell – Elissa’s brother is scared of Jelly. It’s the wobble.

@moosh – I’m the youngest of nine children.

@CharmlessNurk – I am cultivating a black market electric rhubarb farm in my under croft, and my pelvis has been on backwards since 1989.

@thesaharadesert – I’ve not taken any lessons in Russian but I can translate it into English.

@Treiziemesalope – I shook Prince Charles’ hand when I was 4. He only came over because I was the only person in the crowd with a French flag.

@stepickford – I once taught a kestrel to fly. Like out of Kes.

@moosh – I have three nipples.

@jenniferheidi – My dad used to work for a Nepalese princess. I used to stay at her house and I met the king.

@BobbinsAlive – My nipples are massive. The biggest you’ll have ever seen in your life.

@Soren_Lorenson – I’ve seen Jamie Theakston’s penis.

@distinguishthis – I am not interesting.

@DJDarren – I saw John Prescott looking lost, and offered him no help. #SmashTheState.

@AK_Bell – I was born a breach & brought into the world to an audience of dozens. TADA! They thought I had Jaundice because of yellow curtains.

@Ivan_Jelical – I played hide and seek in a nuclear reactor.

@HarryMinge – I have carried some road surface chippings in my knee since I was six. http://twitpic.com/8kfbva

@Soren_Lorenson – I have a longstanding curiosity about sex with a lion. Also I sometimes shout obscenities when driving in my car.

@cawhitworth – I once had a piss next to the guy who sang “Do Wah Diddy”. I got his autograph afterwards.

@bighomeless – I once had to tow a dead cow down a river behind me in a kayak.

@PkmnTrainerJ – I have focal epilepsy, had the nickname of Breadman for 4 years, and have a chunk missing from my right ear and extra bits on left.

@Bruno_Di_Gradi – I have no willy.

@danbm – I’m scared of the holes in Olives!

@msgibbster – I was paralysed down one side of my face for the first few weeks of my life.

@keewa – I cannot smell.

 

Steve and the Black Dragon – Chapter Six

Chapter Six – Philip the Bright Green Dragon

Steve slowly regained consciousness after what seemed like hours. He slowly opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling. His bum hurt and he didn’t know why. He sat up, rubbing his behind, and saw the dragon. The frightening creature known by men and women up and down the land as the most inhumane monster to ever exist. And he was cooking eggs.

“Hey dude, you’re awake, awesome. I cooked you some eggs, it’s for the protein. You were out for a while so this will help you get your strength back.”
The dragon walked towards Steve who sat there, mouth aghast, staring at Philip.
“You’re not black!” exclaimed Steve, pointing at the belly of the egg making beast.
“Well, Captain PC, you are correct. I am green, but I am from the family crest of the black dragon. So. Yeah. Eat before it gets cold”

Philip gave Steve a bowl of eggs and walked back towards the kitchenette. Steve ate, all the time keeping the dragon in his view. Maybe this is a trap, feed the prisoner until he is fat and then roast him on a spit.
“Are you going to spit roast me?” asked Steve, food flying out of his mouth.
“I wasn’t planning on it, to be honest. I need to talk to you though, about Ferrero. I think there’s been a misunderstanding”
Steve jumped up onto his feet and shouted “MISUNDERSTAND THIS!” whilst clambering for his sword. The sword that was no longer at his side.
“Yeah I took your sword dude, you would have had someone’s eye out with that thing. It made me anxious.”
“This will not do. Give me the girl or I will throw this bowl at you.”
“Ferrero made her choice okay, we love each other. I’m going to protect her and help her raise her child like it was my own.”
“What do you mean like it was your own. Is she not with your child?” asked Steve.
“Are you kidding me? Look at the size of me. Its not even logistically possible.”
“You know, I did wonder. I mean, not that I thought about you two, er, you know. I mean. WELL ANYWAY THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT I HAVE TO KILL YOU.”
“Naw, you don’t. You can just leave and pretend you killed me, but make out Ferrero had ran away or something. That could work.”

All of a sudden, from the tunnel to the cave came Brian, Kevin and Ferrero. Philip held his arms open to his love, who ran towards him with delight. Kevin, waving his hands madly, shouting at the knight to stop.
“Sire, please, do not kill Philip.” 
“Philip? The fuck is Philip?” asked Steve.
“The dragon sir, he is called Philip, and he is not father to the child sir. The child is human. The child.. The child..” Kevin clenched his chest and spluttered.
“Spit it out you fool, whose brat is it.”
“Its yours Steve. You are the father.” Ferrero said, approaching Steve.
“Oooooooooh. No shit. My baby you say. Wow, that’s er… That’s…. You know, I think I might just go over here and throw up a bit.” the knight ran to the side of the room and vomitted hard on the floor.
“You see, this is why I couldn’t stay, this is why I didn’t tell anyone and left, you’re an ARSEHOLE Steve, you wouldn’t want anything to do with this child so I found someone who would.” Ferrero looks at Philip and smiled, stroking his tail.
“So er, what happens now? I mean, I don’t want Ferrero to leave, and I don’t want you to try and kill me because, well, I’ll fuck you up to be honest. Shall we stick to my plan?” Philip asked.

Steve wasn’t happy. Not only had he found out that he might have to take responsibility for something, but he didn’t get to kill anything either. He thought long and hard about what to do.

Riding along the road back to the kingdom, Kevin turned to his master.
“Well sir, I think you did a good thing leaving the princess with her love. I’m sure that child will be raised well.” said Kevin.
“I agree Kevin.” replied the knight.
“Pretending to have slayed the black dragon, and replacing him with a much calmer non threatening dragon is a good plan, I’m sure the king will believe it. And the tale of his daughters escape.”
“Indeed my friend.”
“One thing though sir, did you really have to kill Brian?”
“Come on Kevin. It’s not like he contributed much to the plot.”

And so, the knight Sir Steve and his manservant Kevin rode back to their homes, with another mighty story to tell.

The end.

OR IS IT??

Yeah. It is.

Steve and the Black Dragon – Chapter Five

Chapter Five – The Black Dragon

From behind a rock, Steve peered into the canyon to get sight of the Black Dragon and his new wife. In the distance, a woman stood holding her round belly. Steve motioned to the other two to get her into their sight.
“Right, this is the plan. You two go and get Ferrero and I’ll deal with the dragon bastard. Okay?” the pair nodded and swiftly moved around the top of the canyon, looking for a way down near to Ferrero.

Steve scrambled down the rocks to the bottom of the canyon, hiding behind various rocks and lava baths to get close to the heart of the dragons home. He took out his sword moved closer to a large cave guarded by three sleeping wolves. Moving quietly, he tried to approach the cave without disturbing the pets from their slumber. Tiptoeing with his sword held in the air, he stepped over the wolves and made his way into the dark cave.

Kevin and Brian hid behind another rock further up from the cave, close to where the fair princess stood. She sang quietly to her stomach, and to the baby inside. Once she had sat on a nearby rock, yes, another rock, Kevin moved closer to her. Then, quietly, put his hand over her mouth and carried her back to where they were hiding.
“Fair Ferrero, I apologise greatly for this, I do not mean you harm, I wish to speak with you on behalf of your father. Please, don’t scream.” Kevin spoke gently to Ferrero, he had harmed her enough, he did not wish to frighten her more. Moving his hand from her mouth, she did not scream.
“What the he’ll are you doing here, what does father want?” she said angrily, seething perhaps.
“The king worries for you, he believes that you and in danger, you have been gone for so long princess Ferrero.”
“I am not in any harm, why doesn’t father trust me? I know what I am doing.”
Kevin nodded towards her stomach and said, “So the child inside you was planned? As was the wedding? To the dragon?”
“Of course. I love Philip. More than any of you could ever understand.”
“The dragons name is Philip?” Kevin asked. Brian smirked in the background.
“Yes, his name is Philip, it is a noble and good name. He loves me.”
“You are aware that Philip is a dragon, not a man? How can you bear the child of a creature with no organs to reproduce?”
“The child isn’t Philip’s. Philip is the one who wants me despite the child. He found me wandering through the forest and saved me from a monster. He kept me warm, fed me, brought me joy with song and poetry. Philip is a wonderful kind creature. The child is not half dragon. The child is of human heritage.”
“But Madame, if the child is not the dragons, then who is the father?”

Steve creeped through the cavern slowly. The light was dim and it was unsteady under foot. A light at the end of the tunnel showed Steve where he needed to be.
“Oh hey, whatcha doing?” a voice said behind Steve.
“I’ve come to slay the Black Dragon.” replied Steve, not turning his gaze away from the end of the tunnel.
“Oh. Cool. How come?” spoke the voice.
“He has the kings daughter, and I have come to take her home and rid this land of the monster in this dingy cavern.”
“It’s not that dingy. I like it dark. I have an eye infection at the moment so it helps to have low light surroundings.”

Steve stopped in his tracks and slowly turned to face the voice from behind. All he could see were two red eyes, staring back at him from up high. And then teeth. Steve slowly and metaphorically shat his pants.
“Was it something I said?” asked the dragon. Set eve screamed and ran off into the distance, flailing.
“Hey don’t run away I was talking to you! Hold up!” shouted the dragon.

Steve ran into the centre of the cave and looked around him. There was no way out. The only exit had a large dragon standing in it, smiling.
“There’s no need to run dude I’m not going to set fire to you or anything. Relax. Have a sit down. Would you like a mocha? I only have soy milk, I’m trying out this vegan thing. I’m a lot less bloated nowadays.”
“HUSH DRAGON, I AM HERE TO KILL YOU!” shouted the knight, holding his sword the wrong way around in confusion. He walked backwards and fell on top of some cushions. A large suede bean bag broke his fall. Confused, he looked around the cave. Adorning the wall were watercolours of rivers and the seaside. The sound of contemporary jazz filled the air, and when Steve looked closer at the dragon, standing beneath the light, he noticed that the dragon, not black in colour but actually bright green, was wearing a beret.

The dragon began to approach the knight who slowly, and quietly, began to pass out.

Steve and the Black Dragon – Chapter Four

Chapter Four – Number 48

The gang of three made their way down the long road towards the lair of the Black Dragon. It was cold and dark in these parts, a far cry from the warmth of their homes. In the distance shone a tall light, flames above a statue of a dragon.

“Sir, I promise you, that is definitely where the dragon lives” said Kevin, pointing towards the lit statue. Sir Steve remained defiant. “Kevin, I love you like you were my own brother who was actually adopted, but you are talking utter shit man, it’s over there.” growled Steve, motioning his sword towards a house made of gingerbread and chocolate buttons.
“I am the only knight here so what I say goes, now follow me, were going to find that fucker and get the kings daughter home safely. Well, if you can call ‘perched on the end of my willy’ a safe place to be, eh boys, hahaha”
Kevin face-palmed and for the sake of his sanity agreed to go the knights way and head to the gingerbread house.

Steve knocked on the door and waited patiently, expecting a thirty foot dragon to peel back the gingham curtain with one of it’s tendons. Instead, a woman appeared in front of him. Petite and cute, the girl giggled as she asked why the knight was at her door. Steve, too shocked for words at how cute this young lady was, stepped back allowing Kevin to come forward and speak.
“Good morning Madame. We are here seeking something. Perhaps you are able to help?”
“Oh my god like that would be so awesome I would lobe to help you guys ASK ANYTHING YOU WANT!” said the girl, eyes shining with pure joy.
“Quite, well, first of all, does the Black Dragon live here?”
“LOL!!!” said the girl. Kevin looked at her confused.
“I’m sorry?”
“OF COURSE THE DRAGON DOESN’T LIVE HERE LOLOLOLOLOLED HE’S WELL MASSIVE my house is tiny just the perfect size for a girl like me!”
“Riiiiight…. Well, do you know where it is he lives?”
“OBVS he lives at number 48 with his wife, the house with the statue of the dragon outside. They got married yesterday IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL I MADE THEM CUPCAKES!”
Steve bounded forward up to the girls face. “MARRIED?” he squealed.
“Yeah! They’ve been together for a while, I totally called it.”
Steve walked back towards his horse, collapsing onto it. Whilst the knight moaned audible with woe, Kevin said goodbye to the girl, complimented her on her lovely topiary and walked back to the group.

“Were fucked. FUUUUUCKED!” screamed Steve, sobbing into the horse. “How can they be married??? Is it even legal?”
“Apparently sire.” said Kevin, scratching his head. “We are not necessarily up the creek on our arses sire, we can still kill the dragon. The only difference is they are married.”
“Don’t you see Kevin? If they are married them it can only be for a reason. She must be pregnant. Which means the heir to the throne is half man half dragon. A…. Magon!”
“Draman.” said Brian.
“Oh who gives a fuck, let’s just go and kill the cunt.”

The three heroes rode towards the house that looked a bit like a canyon that had a statue of a dragon outside, in order to slay in the name of their king. 

Steve and the Black Dragon – Chapter Three

Chapter Three – The Road

“Well, that was a bit shit wasn’t it?” said Sir Steve to his last remaining companions. “Anyway, we must crack on with the job.”
“Perhaps a few words to honour the dead my lord?” said Kevin, motioning towards the woods, “after all, we don’t want to have to worry about their souls catching up with us.”
Steve nodded, “Yes, quite right Kevin. Okay. Oh dear lord who sit in the sky on his White cloudy horse, please look after Rupert and Arthur who just got royally fucked by a big ghost hand. They are nice people inside, even if they did kill that girl, but to be honest she was well annoying. And bless us oh holy one on the rest of our trial, and give us the spirit and energy, to cut the dragons cock off. Amen.” Kevin and Brian looked at each other, and said amen.
“Right, that’s enough god bollocks, let’s go fuck up some massive lizards.” and with that, Steve and his two friends rode on through the fields.

At the end of the field was a road, which led all the way to the dragons den. Which was handy. As Steve rode forward some way, as not to be believed to know his companions, Kevin sought the opportunity to quiz Brian on his lack of knighthood.

“Dear sir, forgive the intrusion, but I have always wondered why you are not a man of honour and nobility like your brothers?”
“Kevin, it is no intrusion, just know this. As a knight you are wise and noble, a man amongst men, someone you can rely on in battle and someone you can depend on in an hour of need. They are strong and mighty. The heart and souls of lions. However, they do come across a bit cunty.”
“Fair point.”

Steve rode up to a small hut on the side of the road and knock three times on the door. A hatch opened and an old woman appeared.

“FUCK OFF.” The woman slammed the hatch shut. Steve laughed nervously then knocked again on the door. This time, when the old crow opened the hatch he placed his arm in the way so she couldn’t close it again.
“I thought I told you lot to fuck off. Move your fucking arm you big twat.” The old woman growled at the group and at Steve in particular.
“Old woman we come for information and information alone, we will not harm you” said Steve to the woman.
“You couldn’t harm a biscuit you cretin. Leave me alone. I ain’t telling you nothing.” The old woman was certain that she wouldn’t talk to the knight, however, Steve had other plans.
“Woman if you don’t tell me what I want to know then I won’t give you this gold pen.” Steve waved a shiny biro in the old woman’s face, then pulled back when she went to grab it.
“Alright fine what do you want to know?”
“The Black Dragon. where does it live?” Steve glared at the woman, fist clenched hard around the pen, waiting for an answer.
“Oh is that all?” the woman said, “Yeah, he lives down the road, number 48′ you can’t miss it. It’s the house that looks like a canyon.”
“Oh, lovely, here you go.” Steve gave the pen to the woman who strokes it gently.  Steve started to walk back to his horse, then turned for one last word. “Oh, and one more thing, GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU OLD BITCH!”

The woman slammed the hatch shut whilst Steve jumped onto his horse, laughing heartily. “Right then, to number 48 we go.” said Steve, and the adventurers rode off in search of their dragon.

Steve and the Black Dragon – Chapter Two

Chapter Two – The Long Forest

Sir Steve and his men were deep into the forest on their quest to find and kill The Black Dragon. With Steve were his trusted servant Kevin, and his three brave sidekicks Sir Arthur, Sir Rupert and Brian. Together they had chopped through the forest to get to the dragons lair, having run ins with small mammals and quite nasty bugs.

The sun was setting over the horizon and they decided to stop and camp for the night. Whilst Kevin prepared their beds, the knights and Brian sat around the fire cooking large quantities of meat.
“Steve, I’ve been reading up on this Black Dragon ARSEHOLE and he seems like a bit of a pain in the backside, am I right Rupert?” Arthur shoted to his colleague. 
“Indeed Arthur, he does seem like a bit of a knob, does the king know that we may not be able to defeat this dragon Steve old chum?” Rupert asked his friend. Steve placed down his ale and face his friend. 
“Don’t be a prick Rupert. It’s me. I kill loads of stuff all the time. I’ve killed dragons before. I’m not scared of this Black Dragon. Eat your cow and be quiet old friend. The ale has gone to your head and you are talking nonsense.”
The others laughed and Rupert smiled. “A toast, to Sir Steve, the future slayer of the Black Dragon!” Rupert shouted, his voice echoing in the night forest. They cheered, unknowing of what was to come.

The group slept through the night high on the essence of the ale. As the morning sun arose from behind the tree tops of the forest, the group woke. After their belongings were gathered they climbed back onto their horses and made their way through the forest. Strange sounds filled the air, birds flew through the sky squawking, insects clicked in unison. Then a noise, out of place in the forest, shook the nerve of manservant Kevin.
“Sir, did you hear that? That noise, it was…. Strange.” Kevin said, eager to pass through the woods.
“NONSENSE KEVIN, tis just a monkey or something,” said Steve, riding high on his steed. 
“Forgive my interruption old boy, but I don’t think you get monkeys around this part of the country. Kevin was right, tis strange.” said Arthur, one hand on the handle of his sword, the other holding the reigns of his horse tightly. Rupert looked worried. Brian stared blankly into the horizon. Suddenly a screech filled the air, an ungodly noise which sent the horses into a frenzy and they began to gallop forward. The group calmed their horses down but the noise happened again, louder this time. “RIDE ON, TO THE EGDE!” yelled Steve, and so the group went on whilst the screech got louder and louder. A scream. Arthur looked back to find Rupert’s horse without Rupert sat upon it. The group rode on, and another then another scream. This time it was Arthur who disappeared. The group, now smaller, rode as hard as they could, with the end of the forest in view. Rumbling sounds arose from under the ground, the horses began to panic as did the riders. Then from behind the group a shadow filled the surroundings. Kevin looked back to see a claw, black as night, come down over the two horses. It smashed into the ground and the horses disappeared, gone to be with their masters. The group of three were yards from the end of the forest as the claw tried to gain on them, a claw without a body, racing through the trees. 

Suddenly they were free of the trees, rushing through a field of barley. Steve pulled on his horse and turned towards the woods. The claw had stopped at the opening, unable to pass into the daylight, and then it disappeared, happy with it’s bounty. It was a signal from the Black Dragon. They were close.

Steve and the Black Dragon – Chapter One

Chapter One – Steve

Sir Steve was a brave and valiant knight. People throughout the land knew of his wisdom and kindness but also knew of his temper when fighting for the justice of these wronged by the evil and the wicked. Tall, handsome, he could have any woman he wanted and sometimes any man too. King Harold sent Sir Steve on many quests in the name of the throne. Some were fruitful and others not. But in every quest he remained gallant.

It was a spring day, the grass was dewey from the early morning rain but the sun now shone high in the sky. Sir Steve sat at his table contemplating the day ahead of him.

“I BET I GET TO DO LOADS OF SHIT TODAY” he shouted to his manservant Kevin, who was in the kitchen creating a wonderful breakfast for his master. “I REALLY WANT TO KILL SOMETHING TODAY KEVIN, I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYTHING IN AGES, IM SICK OF HAVING TO TALK TO PEOPLE. ITS FUCKING DULL”, he shouted to Kevin.
“I’m standing right here sir, you do not need to call to me with such a noise” Kevin replied, “and I’m sure the king has something wonderful and stubby for you to do today sir”.
“I THINK.. I think you are right Kevin. And in order to complete the task I need my breakfast. Have you pig for me?”

Kevin placed before his master a bowl of oats and wheat, with a jug of ass’ milk. Sir Steve stared at his breakfast, then at Kevin, then at the breakfast. He poked at the breakfast with a fork wondering why none would stick to his breakfast weapon. “Kevin, you have confused me, this pig appears to be in bits. I would like another.” Steve demanded of his manservant. Kevin gulped and stepped back before informing the knight that his breakfast lay before him. Steve started to stab the breakfast, all the time staring at Kevin.

“Kevin, why is this not bacon?” he asked.
“You aren’t allowed bacon anymore sir. Your cholesterol was high when you visited the medic, remember?” Kevin replied.
“FUCK THE MEDIC!” Steve Rose from his chair, picked up the bowl and threw it across the room. He smashed his fists down on the table, then told Kevin to bring him the biggest pig that he could find, or else Kevin would be spit roasted in time for tea.

Later that day after Steve had filled his guts with meat, he went to meet King Harold in the kings chamber for a royal task.

“Right then Steve, now listen and take notes because this is going to be a hefty task for you to bear.” the king said, whilst stroking his pointlessly long White beard. “I need you to go to the long forest and get rid of a dragon for me.”
“AWESOME, I LOVE FUCKING UP DRAGONS!” Steve screamed whilst jumping with joy. “Can I use a sword? I love using a sword, axes make my hand rough.”
“Listen, this is no ordinary dragon you know. This is the Black Dragon of the Nether. He’s a right bastard. He’s killed hundreds and thousands of men and women. He eats babies as a light snack. He pisses fire. When he farts he wipes out villages. It’s going to be a right pain in the arse doing this but Steve, I just don’t trust anyone else.”
“Thank you sire” Steve bowed towards his king. “But I must ask, why do you want him killed now? If he has been around for all this time, why is now the time to rid the world of this monster?”
The king sat back in his chair and sighed. He looked over to a picture of a young maiden on the wall. A beautiful girl which long blonde hair and tits.
“Steve, my daughter Ferrero has always been a bit on the wild side, and as you know I have never approved of her choice in men.” Steve knew this fact well after ape ing a night with his daughter then spending the next day hiding on top of a flag pole from a rather angry king with a rather large axe.
“I fear that my daughter has made a very unwise choice this time Steve, even more unwise than you. She has ran off with the dragon.”

Steve was shocked. The kings daughter and the dragon? Together?

“I do not understand sire”, Steve told the king ” How? When did this happen?”
The king told ate dhow his daughter had been disappearing for short lengths of time, nothing that he wasn’t used to, but when he saw Ferrero she would have scorch marks on her dress and she walked a bit funny.
“But sire, I mean logistically it doesn’t even make sense. Do dragons even have dic…”
“SILENCE STEVE, I WILL NOT HAVE YOU TALK OF MY DAUGHTER IN THAT WAY” the king shouted at the knight, slamming his hand down hard on the table.
“Sorry my king. Seriously though, I mean, come on.”
“Steve do you want me to cut off your testicles and feed them to the beggars?”
“Sorry sire” Steve meekly said whilst backing off before a royal shitstorm occurred.

An hour later after the knight had gathered his weaponry and men, he began to ride off towards the forest.

#OrbetteCooks Epic Sandwich

I’m going to a BBQ this afternoon at @td_ward’s house and since I’ve been in a cooking mood recently I decided I wanted to take along something a bit different. I have seen a few recipes dotted about for this epic style sandwich so I thought I’d have a crack and also tweeted my efforts at the same time. Here is what happened….

—–

OOOH YEAH

 

Next, PESTO BABY

 

Next, round one of meat

 

Next, let’s get some ducking cream cheese in that bread bitch

 

Nice bit of sweet red pepper now, oh yes

 

SPINACH FOO’

 

Some brother of bacon, parma ham, all the ham

 

TOMATO C*NTS, GET IN MY BREAD

 

I wish I had more meat for this sandwich…… AND I DO, HAI SPICY CHORIZO!!!!!!

 

no room for sun blushed tomatoes? MAKE ROOM

 

One final layer of cream cheese, lid back on, fridge for 4 hours then SHARE WITH FRIENDS, I’M NOT A FUCKING PIG!

AAAAAAAAHH!!! #EpicSandwich

And there we have it, the sandwich of kings. Have a crack, it’s really easy to make, cost less than a tenner for the ingredients but feeds about 8 people so good for picnics. Enjoy.

Fly me to the moon.. Just not on a plane.

I get it.

I get how the plane stays in the sky regardless of the weight of the plane because of hot air rising and cool air falling and the plane creating a level of thrust higher than the amount of drag on the plane allowing it to climb and go forward and lift versus weight and so on.

I get how when you experience turbulance, it will feel like the plane has dropped a significant amount when in reality it only feels that way because the plane falls before you do and only a couple of inches if that.

I get how statistically air travel is the safest form of travel and that no flight can leave the ground before it has been checked for problems and that the plane is built to recover from almost anything that may happen unexpectedly in a flight.

I get it, I honestly do. However, I am in a group of people who have an irrational fear of flying who know that they don’t really have anything to be worried about, but do anyway.

The reason I’m writing this is because there are so many people who think that we’re being stupid and treat us so because we will sit on the flight for the start or the end of the entire flight and cry or shake or worry or any other reaction. I’ve been on a number of flights now and it hasn’t gotten any easier, to the point where although I can get on a plane if I have to, I will panic myself into oblivion beforehand. I’m probably going to take a course at some point this year to help me.

On the flight back from Rome we hit a little bit of turbulence, and it was a bit of a bumpy ride to say the least mainly due to the weather below us on the journey. Now whenever the plane slightly moves my heart will stop and I’ll grab whoever is next to me, in this case Jon. On Sunday however, when it felt like the plane had dropped, twice, about a metre (it was actually only a couple of inches) I closed down. As far as Jon was aware I was just grabbing onto him looking frightened with tears in my eyes. However in my mind I thought about how we were all going to die and wondered why everyone around me was so calm and normal about it. It’s bad knowing that you’re being irrational, it’s worse when everyone around you is barely reacting at all whilst you sit there shitting tears out of your eyes and cursing yourself for never writing your will and feeling sick that this might be the last day on earth and you’ll never see anyone you love again and oh my god no more bacon.

But we’re not alone. So many people are frightened of flying and it isn’t stupid to ask a flight attendant if everything is okay, and it isn’t stupid to grab onto the chair in front or the person next to you if the plane jumps about a bit. Fuck it, tell them at the check in desk and someone might even have a word with you beforehand, it could help. We shouldn’t have to sit in silence…. or rather, screaming and in tears whilst all those other fuckers on the plane are bored out of their faces or asleep. Fuck those people. We will be like that one day, we will be able to get on a plane and not stare at the window or the wall of the plane checking for the slightest crack or hole or scuff, or book a flight with a higher budget airline instead of a low budget one because in our minds low budget airlines must use shitty planes regardless of the fact that the planes themselves are usually the same and all companies adhere to the same aviation rules otherwise they wouldn’t be able to run.

One day my brothers and sisters. One day.